Slice of Mind: Main Character Syndrome

22 March 2021

 There is beauty in people who live their life as the main character, untouched by the struggles of the world. Or more realistically they are so resilient because there is comfort in knowing that everything is going to be okay. There is a glow in people who live their life as if they are the only ones in the world and confidence is the envy of so many. I really appreciate it and honestly, I personally don't see an issue in having main character syndrome at all in fact all the happiest people I know live their life like this, but what about people like me, where main character syndrome is far more sinister than putting yourself in the centre of your own world. 

When I put myself in the centre of the universe, I become more aware that I have left myself open to judgement, good or bad. It can be quite crippling because often it feels like I have detractors even when I know the negative reviews are coming from myself. When I am the main character I feel eyes follow me wherever I go, it feels like they know something about me that I don't know. I can hear the orchestra rise up to signal something ominous lurking around the corner, as the eyes continue to follow me, silently celebrating my downfall. Like any main character I need a backing track but with me, I use it to drown everything out, I put in earphones and the anxiety and the voices become mumbles and that's great but I feel distinctively out of place as well because now I can't really interact with my own surroundings. There is a strange expectation I put on myself since I always feel like people are watching I feel like I can never relax so as not to disappoint the non-existent audience. It can be isolating as you accidentally put yourself on a pedestal with no way of getting down.

The consequences can also manifest in my relationship with other people. If someone seems to have changed their tone or I have an inkling that they may be upset about something I instantly distance myself and often make it about myself. Instead of asking if they are okay I will panic and worry about me. Did do something to upset them? This is very detrimental to my relationships because it isn't necessarily about me all the time. I could feel the surge of anxiety as I tried to pinpoint what I did to hurt them, my mind filled with accusations as I convinced myself that they hated me and that my very presence disgusted them from the very start when in reality this person could be struggling through life as well and I didn't bother to comfort them or ask them what was wrong. Even though I am very susceptible to thoughts like this it's not an excuse to isolate myself when someone needs me the most. Especially when the same people are there for me. 

Main character syndrome leaves me with constant waves of paranoia, expectations that I have placed on myself because I feel like I am constantly being judged by the eyes that are always on me and I have difficulty reporciating in relationships that I have with people. That is not how someone should live. It has left me lonely, it alienates the people around me.  It's hard to escape your head because, in reality, we're the centre of our own world. However, I have forced myself to understand that it is not always about me and people live their own complex lives and therefore don't have the time to constantly analyse every one of my last movements. I also realised when I go through my lows mentally and feel socially distant and don't have the heart to reply to messages or talk to people. Because of this, I wouldn't want the people I love to take it personally. In fact, I would be mortified.  The world can be 2D in my mind but there are layers to all this and it really is all about perspective.  

I am not saying my fears are not valid and this is post is not about taking away people's experiences but sometimes I have to address the damaging parts of my mental health because then  I can work to fix it.  I acknowledge that it's easier said than done because I live it every day. However, I would like to be the main character in a positive and self-fulfilling way and not the main character of psychological horror.

That has been the slice of my mind...


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