Slice of mind: The beginning

2 March 2021

The mind is such a fascinating thing, we have the same hardware, the same fundamental things to work with. Yet whoever has owned a phone knows that we can all have the same iPhone it wouldn’t matter because we all choose to do such different things to it. It’s the app or software we allow on the phone that makes each phone so individual. In psychology, some call it a Schema. The idea that past experiences and the environment can determine how we fill in blanks, how we enter the unknown, it’s the software of our iPhone.

Since everyone’s mind is so unique and since we as a society don’t always talk about the things that can go wrong with the mind, I never knew how I navigated the world through my mental processes was so “wrong”. It was lonely yes, but I didn’t know that it was “wrong”. The irony is that  I put myself under such heavy criticism I had failed to really to criticise the main thing wrong with myself. After all we are our own harshest critics but simultaneously we allow ourselves the benefit of the doubt way more than we actually know.

So how does it feel like to be in the mind of Eman? It’s difficult to find the words. I don’t think they are words that can really describe it, just labels that sometimes feel like they’re one size fits all. However I can say it feels like you’re on a tundra, the ice cold sea surrounds you,  you're severed off from the rest of the world just you on your own. It  can be like you’re under the surface of the ocean as a storm rages above you, you know you’re safe down at the sea bed but you’re also drowning. Either way you go is certain death but one is a more acceptable, more romantic and less pain. It’s a slow death though. Sometimes the storm calms down and then come the voices, they’re muffled by the body of water but you know they’re cruel you they are sneering at you. They discourage you from swimming to your safety, they tell you you’re a coward that it’s best that you stay there
forever. They also blame you for the destruction of that storm and you accept because why wouldn’t you?

Then sometimes there’s a numbness, you’re not really inhabiting your body, your body is not yours nothing you say or do matters. That’s the most dangerous state because you feel like a god, you’re invincible. You’re allowed to do whatever you want, they are no consequences, but there are. There’s a sinister apathy that you can’t shake. You forget that you’re functioning human of society yet for the life of you you can’t grasp that because for some reason. You can’t seem to comprehend that you’re not watching from the outside in, that this is indeed your body and this is your life...

Then at last you see the sun peak out behind the clouds you feel light again, your emotions are heightened, pain, love, laughter, joy. Your mind is racing, you’re creative, you have ideas you have found your motivation. You’re at the top of a rollercoaster unaware that you will and can drop from that high. You don’t seem to remember that there’s gravity and the rollercoaster will drop again.

So how am I expected to have normal relationships how am I supposed to exist? This may be a cycle but the voices always exist. Do I always have to leave the house with earphones in to feel less uncomfortable in public?  How does self affirmation become more natrual? Will the negative image of myself ever change? Will I ever allow people to like me? Will I trust any praise from the lips of friends and family without doubting it and telling myself they’re lying?

It’s so tiring sometimes and to deal with being overwhelmed I either sleep for a long time I hope I never wake up or stay awake night after night telling myself I deserve the suffering. I think one day all the people in my life will realise I am not worth wasting their time on and leave me.

There is hope though. Just a little bit.

I control my mind, not the other way round. The first step is asking for help. The next few steps are not really defined but all I know is that you can argue with yourself, I know that I can chose to swim to the surface once the storm is calmed. They’re only voices. I can face the icy sea I can search for a boat or maybe call an Uber and find myself less hauntingly lonely. It’s not easy and it takes a lot will power not something that I readily have. I am trying and that is why I am sharing all this with you.

...And so here is a Slice of mind.

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