Fear of Men : Dating

3 November 2020

I am a disaster in the dating world. At the age of 20, I have barely met any of dating milestones. It’s vague acceptance mixed with a dash of contempt and a large dose of, you guessed it! Fear. I mean there is no rush or deadline as such but I deffo feel like I have hit a wall

I am not someone that actively looks for a partner apart for some quick and shallow approval or reinforcement that I am someone worth anything. Even as my self-esteem got better I become even more self-reliant than I had been before and let me tell you that is something. If I want something done I’ll do it myself meaning a relationship seemed null and void.

I think my aversions of dating began in school, repeat after me because we know the drill. I was the ugly friend. Then again so was every ethnic minority in a friendship group of predominantly white people. In my time I have seen the most gorgeous black girls be called ugly simply because they weren't white. In school no one ever had a crush on me, people would ask me out as date or joke and cackle.  I was certainly the person everyone Went “EWWW” about when anyone even had the audacity to pair me with someone. Most of the time I would act indifferent or laugh it off but it did stuff. Like it stuck to me like a bad smell. Since everyone saw me as a joke anyway I didn't take myself too seriously or try to be seen as more than the girl who sat next to guys in Science.

As a black girl, boys would call me ghetto or ratchet and honestly it was so common, I would have crushes but stay my distance for the fear I would overwhelm them with my ghettoness. I would rather jump off Mount Everest than admit I had a crush 1) because I hate having “feelings” 2) because I can’t deal with rejection. Just leave me alone you know? Also, the idea that being myself was a problem was an issue for me, I mean sorry I guess...

By the time I was in the sixth form, I stopped having crushes with the same intensity as I did in high school because what was the point? Everyone had the dating experience by 16 and honestly, no one was lining up to ask me out so I completely closed myself off and worked on me and surrounded myself with women. In A levels I had 2 boys in only two of my classes and they were the same boys for both subjects and at Uni my course was mostly women the only time I meet guys is if my flat had guys or if I was accidentally in a situation where there were guys present and even then the conversation is kept brief or the idea of romance is so far fetched of an idea they may as well be girls.

I call this sheltering I don’t think I have chosen to surround myself with women but subconsciously I have made sure to protect myself. I hate admitting to having crushes and if I am being honest I barely have any respect for men, I talk to most men out of contempt or you can quite clearly see the coldness. Even when it has been a romantic venture I wait for them to get tired of me. I tell myself that I can understand why they feel that way about me I have nothing to offer. I am a girl’s girl.  With men, it feels I can’t be unapologetically myself because I can already hear the disapproval and honestly the idea of someone mansplaining something to me makes me want to crack my head open.
Even as a person I don't really have that overwhelming trust needed for a relationship, maybe its because I can always tell when someone is lying to my face and I found with a lot of guys that they've done it and thought they have gotten away with it completely. Sometimes I look into people eyes and feel a sinking feeling in pits of my stomach as I realise maybe they aren't as genuine as they said they were. Or it is the simple fact that I don't "get" them? All my life I have been surrounded by women like I have said before they baffle me to no end. I don't understand what motivates them and what doesn't. I sometimes wonder if they really are from Mars and it wasn't all a metaphor. A friend once pointed out despite the mostly feminine appearance that I can sometimes rob men of their masculinity. Like for example at work, I could lift quite heavy loads and as I said earlier I could do stuff myself so maybe that was the reason, but then again bodybuilders and female CEOs are married so I don't think it is.

I said there is no hurry for anything but since we are hurtling into winter, and the couples enter their season I can't help but wonder if there is anything wrong with me. I am not exactly someone with a thriving social life so people in my life have pointed out so it's not exactly like I am out fishing all the fish in the sea, but still. It makes you wonder, doesn't it? That is what one gets when you have an excessive paranoia around an entire gender. 

So know my list of why I don’t date men is 

-They’re not interested in me anyway 
-Anything a man can do for me I can do myself 
-They leave a bad taste in my mouth
-I can’t be myself 
-They’ll get in my way 

The last one is a big one! I have always been told men hold you back, you have to now think for two. You can’t be selfish and boundaries seem to blur when I listen to other people’s relationships. I will not allow myself to be taken for a mug. So I tend to not to trust them from the get-go, they make me so suspicious. 

They 👏🏾 can 👏🏾 not 👏🏾 be 👏🏾 trusted 👏🏾

I always tend to have a “what do you want?” Response when a guy does speak to me. Goes back to my trust issues but my narrow vision of the future. You know how most people see their future married and with kids. I see earning good money and moving into my Pinterest apartment. I don't see no man or kids because I only think of career goals and I always assume that being in a relationship feels like a hindrance. I hear stories of couples and more times than not I grimace at their complicated dilemmas. You know like the "What are we?" "Who are we?" and the "I didn't like how they said that?" It sounds like too much like it consumes a lot of energy like you're constantly teetering on the edge. Even thinking about it causes my blood pressure to rise. Don't even get me started on cheating because that would unlock something in me that should have kept in the dark.  

Usually, my conclusion would be a solution or at least an epiphany but I have none. I am already self-aware and I don’t feel like changing any time soon. Like I don’t know what to do about this. I think I was wondering if other women related to this. Maybe not? I don’t know it’s freeing to contextualise and put it down on paper. However, it’s doing nothing to help me.

Any thoughts? Let me know 
Bye for now 



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