Fear of Men: These White Men are Dangerous

30 May 2020







I feel like this week has been just felt like I have been slandering the whites! I promise that is not the case! It’s just been the way the straws have fallen. So white men, middle-aged or teens, or undergrads or whatever, have always made me distinctively uncomfortable. If anything my fear of men has really began with white men and boys

 

I feel like a broken record but I was bullied in primary school, racially. You see I had come over from Germany without really understanding the history that Germans and the rest of Europe had until I was called Nazi and Hitler predominantly by white boys, after all, I went to school where most of my peers were white. I also want to point out that the English love to sit on their high horse when literally the English empire existed and also the British were just as xenophobic back then as was the rest of Europe but let's continue  Then the bullying shifted to my features.

 I was made fun of because of my big nose, it was ugly to them Some time passed and then my  “fish lips” came to attention and then my hair. My mum liked to braid my hair in African hairstyles which was often targeted. "Spider head" was one of my personal favourites. One of my friends later on in High school was called "poop head" because of her hairstyles. I was told by a white boy in my class that he wasn’t interested in me because I wasn’t blonde or blue-eyed and honestly I was more disappointed in myself for not being as surprised. At a young age, I had expected to be unattractive and that ladies and gentlemen that was the beginning of my anxiety and painfully low self-esteem. Of course, this meant that most of my primary school memories were just me in tears and being gaslighted.

 You see I actually told my teachers what happened to me on several occasions, but I was told quite dismissively to ignore it and that I was overreacting and the very common "Well they're only teasing you because they like you"  No they weren't Miss I was getting bullied. There was even an occasion where I had asked my so-called Best- Friend to say something, do something and when the time came she said and I quote word for word "I am not sure, I didn't see anything" What baffled me was that she was a black girl herself receiving the same abuse, but I guess I understood in a way. We were outnumbered. When no one helped me I became the villain, of course, the angry black girl, attacking the poor defenceless white boys. I mean throwing hands worked.

 The only person on my side was my mum, who was called down to my school multiple times because of fights I would get into. Because my father was absent from my life despite living with us, my mum would often finish her night shifts at the hospital, take me to school and then attend meetings about my behaviour. She would to this often throughout the years in primary school, because she knew I wasn't violent and hated confrontations, she knew I was frustrated and alone and often came back tearful. My mum had to come to school to do what my teachers should have been doing. I feel guilty because not only was my mum working full time at the hospital, she was working on a degree and had a husband at home who contributed nothing and she STILL came to school with me every morning after a night shift and argued with my teachers about my treatment. When I asked how she felt during this time,she only smiled and said "I was happy to do that for you if it meant ensuring you were happy"

That honestly broke my heart.




I would like to stop and pause for a minute and point out that some of the boys that bullied me, their parents and some them became part of the English Defence League. A racist group founded in Luton to get the minorities out of England, so you know the context. 


What I was called back in school was vile.

 

Then attended a truly multi-cultural Highschool, did it get better? I hope it would but it still remained the same. I was called ratchet a lot by white guys, but also heard my fair share of “you’re not like other black girls” and “you’re so pretty for a black girl”. Back then I didn’t flag it, in a strange way I felt complimented but also trapped, I felt self-conscious about how I acted I didn’t want to be lumped together with the other black girls. I was called too loud, too ghetto. Comments about my braids or extension were often made. I remember one white boy threatening to pull out my “horse hair”, I had another once ask if my hair was made of straw, or if I was bald under my hair. I came to school in my relaxed hair and one guy had the audacity to tell me I looked uglier than I did before. I couldn’t win and it made me extremely self-conscious. I also, remember vividly this boy telling me unprovoked that his white parents didn’t want him to date a black girl, he told me that they would make him break up with her, I remember being hurt hearing that and making a similar scenario about my parents doing the same to white guy to save face and one boy in high the school even loudly announced to his friends in art

“I don’t date black girls! They have black nipples that’s disgusting!”

 

At every turn I felt more and more ashamed of being myself, I felt so ugly, so different.  Then when  I was sixteen I was introduced to someone. He himself was white and I was getting to know him, in hindsight I was too polite to turn him down and entertained him a little and honestly wished I didn't because he promptly told me once he got talking that he had what he called "a dark sense of humour", which everyone knows is code for racist humour. He then proceeded to send me Islamaphobic and racist memes which honestly I was half expecting at this stage, Whilst doing all this he did what all white boys will do to you at one point. I'll list here and you can play; Are You Talking To A White Boy? Bingo! 


-Martin Luther King 
Not to be confused with the great man, rather in this scenario, it is a verb. It refers to a white guy sending you a video of someone being racist or abusing your ethnic, cultural, religious group and writing a speech that goes along the lines of "I just think things like this should stop like I personally don't see colour, I don't care where you come from, my parents are super racist but I am not! I don't see colour at all you're just another human to me! I am nice to everyone" Then you scroll down a little and find another racist meme he has so lovingly sent you. Of course, he usually can't comprehend the irony but you sure can, sometimes you can even taste it,

The only suitable reply to this a "Wow you're colour blind and you are being a decent human being? Well done for doing the bare minimum" this will usually dampen the mood because he usually expects applause for not being racist...usually I glance longingly at the block button as well.

-I am not Racist but...

Fun tip, if you have to start a statement like that 10/10 times you are probably racist, this usually followed by a super ignorant statement. see "Not being Racist but most black girls are usually so loud" 
correct response "Because they probably yelling at you for saying ignorant shit like that.

-You're my Nubian queen or *insert something from the Starbucks menu here that kinda matches your skin tone but is highly offence when used as an adjective*

The correct response is a juicy off the menu Mocha Blockacciuno.


and also  my Favourite 


-You're from *insert your motherland*? Wow I've been to *insert a country that has nothing to do with the county in question but may still perhaps be on the same continent 

bonus point of he starts to ramble about how he helped the poor natives and was super bummed about their living conditions.

Correct response:  Scream and then block him.


Half the time it felt like I was conquest to serve their self-righteousness so they could say a few years down the line that they dated a black girl and therefore they knew everything there was to know about black people. It didn't feel like I was interested in me at all, I didn't want to be a political statement unless I myself chose to and I didn't want to tool they used to get back at their parents.

So now I felt ugly, ashamed of myself and somehow stripped of my own personal identity outside of my race. So in order to fully illustrate what I was talking about and really explain how it felt. I messaged one of my friends Malikah who is a Pakistani and asked if had gone through similar things as me and honestly the response was upsetting, She kindly shared some of what was said to her to me.

"Okay so someone from college who cannot be named asked me if I spent my childhood building bombs in the back garden with my dad"

 

"And white people have asked me if I’m sexually attracted to my cousins etc"

 

"And they ask me why I don’t wear the hijab and say “oh, you’re not oppressed then which is good”

 

“You’re really pretty for a Pakistani girl”

 

"Oh and someone told me that my pussy smells like curry"

Once again I wanted to be shocked I really did but I really couldn't find it in me to be, because I have heard this casually being said in playgrounds, in classrooms, at parties, workplaces, I've herd thing like this on the train or on the streets and you know what pains me. You're usually on your own, you're waiting for someone to say it's wrong, everyone laughs and you laugh it off because you're outnumbered by a group of men who could easily make sure that you will never go home again. I mean look at some of the headlines 

Coronavirus: Man racially abuses woman then knocks her friend unconscious after she confronts him

- The independent 


Woman describes being racially abused as she marked Eid on Hampstead Heath - socially distanced from friends and family
 - Ham & High


Man arrested for racist attack against black woman in Madrid: “Slut, go back to your country”

The victim, a Spanish national from the Dominican Republic, says she was called a “piece of shit,” hit and spat on while travelling on a bus in the centre of the capital


 - El Pais


Woman injured after jumping out of window with three-year-old boy to flee racist attack

- The independent 


This is some of the reality for women of colour and this reality I face every day because as a black woman I always remember when a white man called me a "nigger" unprovoked, I'll always remember how scared I was, how humiliated I was and how small I felt. It does things to you, I remember avoiding people for days, I was teary as hell for ages and if I never knew what fear was I learned then.

This is not an isolated incident. There have been so many times a white male has said something that is so offensive. No, actually let's say as it is. There are times a white male has something racist, that you are left stone cold. So I asked People of colour things that a white man had said to them. So I am going to share them here,


"Oh, you're pretty for a Black girl..."

"I'd be attracted to you if you were white..."
"You're cute but if only you were white"


"Ex boyfriend's Dad compared my hair to pubes"
"Why'___not in? Did you give him AIDS
"Go back to your country" I was in primary school it was over a PE game


"A white man called me a monkey before"
"Another assumed that I had chicken and peas every day"
"Another one said I wasn't black and laughed when I referred to myself as black"

"He called me The Help"

"I was once asked if I was Canadian since I was brown-skinned"

"You're Moroccan? Ah, so basically French then."

"Your English is good"

"Was surprised I didn't have an Indian accent. I'm not even  Indian"



All of these were women of colour are all different ethnicities and everything was said by a white male. What does it mean when you don't find me attractive because I am not white? What do you mean I am pretty for a black girl? Why aren't I pretty or beautiful full stop. My beauty is not defined by eurocentric standards and you mean to tell you only find 11.5 % (850 million) of the world's population attractive? Do you know how stupid that sounds?? As for your fascination with our hair..don't you think the obsession is a sickness and to assume that we carry diseases when it was white colonizers that introduced all these fatal diseases to us. To tell us to go back to our countries when you so lovingly invaded and disturbed our motherland's peace, with many non-western countries still suffering the consequences. The Help? You need help sir, have you lost your mind sir because I'll help you find it! 

All of sudden you aren't so colour blind? What happened to not seeing colour?  What do you mean basically French? Why can't you relate to anyone unless you water it down to your standards? Did she stutter? she said she was Moroccan. My English is good? How many languages do you speak? The last little statement I don't have much to say for the last one other than you're absolutely pathetic. I don't know what on God's earth any statements are, for you to refer to someone as an animal, are we that sub-human to you, I may be a monkey but it's better than being a Pig like you.See, I don't lie in the shit that comes out of my mouth. Also the constant questioning of our origin it's like they can't the stand the fact that it is possible that we come from the same place as them and as for the patronising correction of where do come from. If someone tells you they are black, they are black you don't take their identity for them, the same way if someone tells you they are Moroccan. I imagine if an incel comes up to you and tries to tell you the sky is green when me and you both know it is not. No matter how many times you say it's green it will remain blue.


It's so easy to drag them here but often times when you hear things like that it grates at your confidence particularly if you grew up being attracted to men and also grew up in a place where the white man was the standard for attractiveness. You felt thrown aide like trash. Also, you don't want to be seen as overreacting. They'll tell you to "Relax" that they were only "joking" and you will be made to feel stupid so I asked what is it you wanted to say to the men that made some of the remarks.

Well my favourite was: "Go to Hell"

But they were beautiful replies such as "I am beautiful because I am a black girl" and "Tell him how problematic he is and then tell him he wasn't worth it anyway"

Some answers were rightfully deserved: "Fuck off you absolute Prick!"

One was dead on and I loved it: "Resisted to be called French. I am Moroccan and it is an embarrassment to my ancestors that fought in the war. French colonial power in Morocco has been over for decades I am not French"

and one was something we all think "Why would you say that to me specifically?"





Finally, I put together words I kept hearing and seeing when asked how these encounters made them feel


I think what was said to me really just stayed with me particularly the racial stuff, it hurts to hear that. Most of the time you're outnumbered. Everyone is already laughing, so to say something would make you the bad guy. You will likely be told that you are boring and need to brighten up, when in reality you should be setting that joint on fire. Or even worse your protests are met even more rage which is terrifying. 


I am not saying all white guys are like that, but a handful of white guys being like that is a handful too many especially in times like this! I planned this post for a while now and some would wonder is a good time to post it, but I think it's time to highlight the injustices done do black women and men as well as men and women of colour because although I am fortunate enough to not be shot down on the street by the police in the UK. Yet, Belly Mujinaga is still dead because a white man spat on her intentionally with the intention to give her the coronavirus I don't really think that is any better. Some of us are still called Niggers and Monkeys and instead of justice, we get closed investigations.


It needs to stop!

I have linked some Petitions to sign while you're here 



-George Floyd

Black parents wonder if 'The Talk' is still effective in keeping ...





-Belly Mujinaga
Belly Mujinga Covid death: Victoria station workers 'scared' - BBC ...



This all for now

Emmy xx

6 comments

  1. I'm loving all of your black lives matter content. I find reading your content really comforting <3

    Francisca | www.franciscarockey.co.uk

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thank you so much planning to write more posts like this! There is a certain comfort knowing that you aren't on your own!!

    ReplyDelete

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