NeW yEAr nEW Me!- an angst filled chat

12 January 2020

throwback to Spain at the beginning of 2019
So hi it's me. It's 11 days into the year and only now am I writing about you know the new year.  I hate writing "new year new me" posts because growing as a person is more complicated than I'll go to the gym more, or save money or eat less trash. I have done all those things but have never really felt fulfilled by the end of the year. I also hate writing these because writing it into words means I have to follow through but life isn't predictable enough for me to say I am going to do this and that, so every time I went back to read these type of posts there was a bitter tang in my mouth. I don't have a clear tangible goal for 2020, knowing that I am 20 this year has set off waves and waves of nostalgia as well as my anxiety, my god the anxiety is huge, I am long to go back. The past is a bit like a toxic relationship, you remember all the best parts you forget everything awful that happened in that time and so you fantasise about it because it feels familiar and safe. Maybe that's what I need to change, maybe I need to step out into the cold sometimes. Not only is it sobering, but the warmth always has a way of making you stagnant.

One thing 2019 has given me is new skin. I have a new body, a new soul,  it feels. This is my first full year of being free, I had time to think about who what I wanted to be and what parts of me I wanted to reject. I feel like I was a farm going through a drought and then finally in 2019 it rained allowing my failing farm to thrive again. 2019 also taught me that I am too busy in my ivory tower to hear the perspective of others or try new things. It taught me to face myself and although I am getting better I am not always honest with myself let alone honest others.

I smile a lot more in real life than I do in insta-just for those wondering

I am always El Suspicuso, which means I am really closed off, I have a massive amount of pronoia I don't like to admit I have, it has kept awake at night. I should probably learn to relax. Then again that's never been an option for me. Despite being laid back and chill in appearance, my thoughts are always racing, my attention span is very limited, I get irritated when I feel trapped, maybe this year I'll channel that energy somewhere instead of thinking of what could have been. I mean there is so much I have always wanted to do, so much I wanted to learn

A firm believer of Donut time and natural light
Additionally, I have come to terms with my appearance as well so I want to carry that into 2020, I wore many faces and styles, I had to make a new Instagram this year, and I am almost shocked at how vain I have become? Like my last account rarely featured my face, I hope to be more creative this year with my content, maybe I will be more confident when I pose in public because I have ideas but zero confidence. Another venture I want to focus on this year is to write, not even just my blog, I have been dabbling with writing horrors. I mean the branding doesn't work does it ahaa. I have been told I look bright and cheerful even innocent but I am way too interested in the occult, decided that this is the year I master tarots
Isn't this fun I am  my own powerful girls

Other achievements I want to note is making such cool friends on here like this year I will try and meet everyone,
also selfies without snapchat filters? I can do that now which is a big deal for me. Anyway, 2020 is the year of vision I guess what I want to say in the most painfully pretentious way is I want to make my mark. I want my life and identity back even if I have to claw my way there.

Happy Belated New Year make the year of visions yours

Emmy xx

Okay but can Snachat still try and like get rid of this filter because I really used and abused it 

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