Imposter's Syndrome

13 November 2019

Okay so recently Sophie did an amazing post about Impostors Syndrome and it really got me thinking about myself. No one puts me down more than myself, I am never this and I am never that and I am never good enough for myself and it's all down to Impostors Syndrome

For those who don't know Imposter's Syndrome is when you feel don't deserve your accomplishments or every goal you've achieved is just a fluke and one day you'll be uncovered as a fraud and honestly, I have always felt this. No matter how well I do I always feel like it's going to all come crashing down. I can't even tell you how draining it is on mental health. It would cause me to sabotage opportunities myself and when I was successful in actually sabotaging these said opportunities  I would say it was all for the best because I didn't deserve this. I am not sure when it started affecting me but I always felt do I really deserve good things?

All my life  I had been told: "Emmanuela you're average"

All my life with the exception of my mum I was told I wasn't special or I was just good, nothing more and nothing less and it wasn't malicious in any way it was just something that was said

"Emmanuela is a good student 
"Emmanuela is good 
"You did Good"
"Your grades are average"
"Yeah she's fine"

Teachers, colleagues, friends would say these things distracted, almost dismissively as if there was nothing else to say about me. I was just there and there was nothing to note about me. So when you're given extraordinary opportunities you wonder, do you really deserve them? Extraordinary for the ordinary?  Will little old me really benefit from it? Even when I told people my big dreams aspiration, I was always immediately humbled, I was told, to settle down and what can you do. To be honest I don't thrive in hardship I do need encouragement and assurance. I wasn't getting that at all except for one source and the one source was constantly drowned out by the other sources.

Impostor's Syndrome came into full effect when I got to uni. I thought I didn't even deserve the place that it was all a mistake somewhere, but  I continued with uni and got back my grades. I found that maybe I was average but I was pretty darn good in my chosen field and it helped I was in an environment were people encouraged me.

I think Impostor'sSyndrome needs to be studied more closely as Sophie found in her own personal study that a lot of people had suffered from it, although experiences may have varied and intensity would differ.  I hope someday it won't be dismissed as some quirky phenomenon and will take seriously.

Anyway check out Sophie, just click her name aaaannnnnd that's it!

Bye for now

Emmy  xx

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